What’s that you say?

So lately I’ve noticed something about myself. I realized that, sometimes, I have a hard time just enjoying life for its own sake. Like, just being happy to be alive, with no conditions.

I noticed this because I have started to pay closer attention to how my body feels. I’ve been paying attention to my inner dialogue for a while now, and I can catch myself when a derogatory comment pops up. I stop that train before it gets started. I’m good at that. But this new observation came about because I actively started to pay attention to how I feel. And I realized that when I am doing things that may not contribute to the greater good, like eating French fries and ice cream and lying around doing nothing, I won’t let myself fully enjoy the moment. There’s a tenseness in my belly and a whispered conversation going on in my head. Deals are being made. ‘If I do this now then I will do this later to make up for it.’ If I’m not being ‘productive’ or ‘healthy’ or ‘responsible’, I won’t just let myself relax and enjoy the ride. ‘Slacking off’ comes with terms. It requires payment. Judgement is still firmly embedded in my brain, I’m sorry to say. Like a tick.

So this is what I’m going to do about it. I’m going to change.

I am going to lie on the couch and revel in it. Take deep breaths and feel my body sink into the cushions. I’ll watch dust motes settle on the furniture and I won’t jump up and get the duster. And while I’m at it, I won’t mop up the little doggie prints on the floor. I will just lie there and be grateful that I have a couch, and furniture, and a floor, and a dog.

I am going to eat a big pakora, and not care if it was fried. (it was). I am going to hold it in my mouth and taste all of the flavours. I’m going to rub my tummy when I’m done and sigh with pleasure. I am going to be grateful that I am able to buy and eat that beautiful pakora.

I am going to try, in everything that I do today, to enjoy the moment. No more deals. No more judgement. And I’m going to repeat this tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow, and the day after that, until it becomes the new conversation in my head.

Life is very, very good. I am grateful that I get to live it.

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