Today, I am practicing gratitude. I am practicing gratitude because I have been in a funk. My heart has been heavy. I have been tired, sad, crabby, anxious and frustrated. Although I haven’t been walking around with my head hanging low-I have also laughed, visited friends, exercised, eaten good food, and read a book- there has been an underlying heaviness that has been weighing me down.
And that’s ok.
Life is not always sunshine and roses. There are peaks and valleys. It is more circular than it is a straight line. I may have figured out a lot of stuff in the last few years, but my human brain has had a lifetime of programming. It has developed a code for what to do in certain situations. When I am unhappy, I do this. When I am frustrated, I do this.
When I was younger, and the doldrums rolled in, I would move. I remember clearly my mom’s address book. I took up a lot of space, with all of my addresses and phone numbers. Pages devoted just to me. I was looking for the answer in another neighbourhood or city. I was looking for that new, shiny thing that would distract me, and bring me out of my hole. Not once did I just sit still and try to figure out what it was all about. Not once did I recognize that this too shall pass.
Now, in my 50’s, I know that moving is not the answer. Distraction is not the answer.
For me, the answer is to sit still. Look at the sadness. The frustration. Give it the floor. Then, when it has said its piece, let it go.
My brain’s program will try to steer me towards a loop of reaction that it has developed over years of repetition, but it is now my job to write a new program.
My new program says this. Yesterday doesn’t matter. What I did or didn’t do yesterday only has value if I give it value. What I will do tomorrow is irrelevant. It has no bearing on this moment. This moment, right now, is my only concern. Right now, I remember that I am light. I am love. I am a co-creator with the universe. I am the universe. Right now, I am grateful.