Chapter 16: P is for Perfect

Perfect: adjective
per·fect | \ ˈpər-fikt \
1: having no mistakes or flaws
2: completely correct or accurate¹

I’ve written about the illusion called perfection more than once. That’s because we have a history, perfection and me. A dysfunctional relationship, with me constantly striving to prove my worthiness by reaching for its giddy heights, and instead finding myself stumbling on the faulty toehold called reality. Eventually perfection and I had to break up. A person can only take so much disappointment.

In my 30’s, Martha Stewart was the queen of perfection and was, of course, my guru. I scanned the pages of my Martha Stewart Living magazine, watched her TV show, and tried to emulate her, not taking into consideration that not only did she have a ton more money than me, but she also had a team of people perfecting the perfection. Me, I finally realized, with my modest income and army of one was no match. I let my subscription lapse and lowered my standards.

Although I continue to have high standards, having high standards does not make one a perfectionist.
While reading about the link between perfectionism and anxiety, I discovered that mental health professionals look at a person’s overall behaviour and thought patterns before making any decisions about whether or not a person is suffering from perfectionism. Here are some warning signs that they look for:
• Striving to meet high standards. (me…not so much anymore, but some days it’s still a struggle)
• Need for order and neatness. (me…well, yes, ok, but not always…honest…)
• Concern over mistakes (me, after the initial panic…not so concerned anymore…advantages of getting old…)
• Sensitivity to criticism (me…age is once again a great healer…)
• Self-criticism (me…see above…)
• Perfectionists sometimes also set unrealistically high standards for their loved ones or other important people in their life. (me…guilty, but again…age, self-reflection, and a lot of years of marriage have lessened this) ²

According to meta*-analysis published in the Journal of Clinical Psychology, people who’ve been diagnosed with anxiety tend to display more perfectionistic traits than the average citizen.
“Perfectionism can produce a flood of anxious thoughts and feelings when an individual’s performance falls below their excessively high standards. Part of the reason for this is that they connect their self-worth to their performance. In the work world, they’re prone to performance extremes, either setting unreasonably high standards or feverishly avoiding failure.” ²
As well, perfectionists tend to demonstrate a “fixed” mindset, rather than a “growth” mindset. People with growth mindsets believe in their ability to learn and grow over time. As a result, they find it easier to weather setbacks. Failure isn’t tied to their sense of self-worth. Individuals with fixed mindsets, on the other hand, believe people are born with natural talents and abilities. These individuals set exceedingly high standards and strive to avoid failure at all costs. Failure can therefore shake up how they see themselves. ²

So what can we do about our perfectionistic traits?
Well, as I’ve said before, we can finish the story. Instead of getting stuck in a loop of “what if’s” and worrying about the future, we can make a conscious decision to examine what the most likely outcomes will be, recognize that we will probably live through it and work to loosen our iron-fisted grasp on the need to control it all. (And remember, all the success or failure we may experience doesn’t change our innate worth.)

For me, recognizing that I am not fundamentally flawed but am as “normal” as anyone else was a good start. And sometimes “good enough” really is good enough. After all, I have better things to do than mopping the dog dribbles off of the floor before you visit in case you notice them and think I don’t clean. (Will my friends think less of me if my floors don’t sparkle in the sunlight? No. And when was the last time I noticed anyone’s floors? Never, unless my socks started sticking to them.)

So, I no longer have to strive for a life that is above reproach. It’s exhausting, unnecessary, and frankly impossible.
They say do not strive for perfection, but for excellence. If I’m honest, most days I don’t even strive for that. Most days I strive for “good enough”. I don’t actually strive either. I just do things until I feel like saying “That’s good enough” and move on.
At my age, I feel like life is too short to worry about perfection or excellence. I just want to go a day without eating sugar.

1. http://www.meriam-webster.com
2. https://share.upmc.com/2021/05/perfectionism-linked-to-anxiety

• there is something about the word “meta” that bugs me. It’s everywhere now, and no matter how many times I look up the definition, I can’t seem to remember it so I’m constantly wondering what the hell people are talking about when they use it. Why can’t they just say “analysis”? I know what that is. Meta-analysis? Analysis that’s over the top? Analysis published on the site formerly known as Facebook? Jeez…This could be a side effect of being 62, or maybe just not being cool. Don’t care. Just had to vent about that…and in that, proving that I don’t care if you think I’m an idiot. Or not perfect.